My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
