new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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