the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize