I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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