No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
