My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i already hear my dad disowning me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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