she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
