Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
