this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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