I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
