I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You made out with two different species that night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
