What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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