Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
