I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
