thus making me awesome and them whores
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize