I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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