I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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