he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize