tell your sister to shave her snatch
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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