Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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