There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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