We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
