We're like a lot better than the average bears
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
