I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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