mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
