I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
