my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
