I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I deserve this hangover.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize