I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
