I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
