worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
