You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
