There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
