mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
