New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
