If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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