help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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