I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
