I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
