You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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