Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
