If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
