Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize