My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
