Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize