took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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