Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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