So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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