why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
