Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You made out with two different species that night
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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