someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
