You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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