i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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