So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
