i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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