so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
