we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
