she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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